No..... they were both planned

My two kids are 10 years apart in age.  I'm often asked, "Which one was the surprise" Or people will say, "Oh, you have an oopps."

Actually, both of my children were very much planned and it wasn't easy.

I'm told that I look younger than I actually am.  Some people think that Alex, my 14 year old, was the surprise and that I had him:very young."  Those people are often shocked to find out that I was 25 when I had Alex.  It took a lot of patience and changing doctors to have him.  You see, I lost 3 babies before I had Alex.  The doctor I was seeing at the time was not concerned and told me that was "perfectly normal."  During my third miscarriage his nurse told me that I could not call their office every time I thought I had an ache or pain.  I immediately began my search for a new doctor and found one who thought he could easily fix the problem.  I was to immediately call him as soon as I thought I was pregnant and I would begin supplemental hormones to sustain the beginning of the pregnancy.  It worked very well because I had a healthy baby boy about 11 months after he told me that.  It was not a fun pregnancy.  It was complete with a trip to the ER at 7 weeks for severe dehydration, a car wreck at 28 weeks that sent my into labor with a 24 hour stay in the hospital that successfully stopped labor, a trip to Labor & Delivery at 35 weeks when the dog knocked me flat on my back and Alex stopped moving for hours, being told I would never make it to my due date because of all the contractions I was having, and Mr. Alex made his entrance into this world 3 days AFTER he was due.

Fast forward many years....  I wanted to have a baby.  At the time, I suspected an infertility issue and sought help to resolve that problem.  It wasn't even 4 weeks later that I was pregnant with Tori, my 4 year old.  This pregnancy had it's scares as well.  It involved the same supplemental hormones, a threatened miscarriage at 11 weeks, since I was "advanced maternal age" it involved numerous trips to the perinatologist (but on the plus side I have more sonogram picture of Tori that most people do of all their children combined and we knew at 13 weeks that she was a girl), knowing ahead of time that she had a minor kidney issue which also gave me time to research and consult with pediatricians about what to do (turns out to be so minor that it's almost resolved completely), and having to beg the doctor to induce me 2 weeks early so I could have my mom at the hospital.

So, I simply answer, "No, they were both planned."

The day I became a Mommy

14 years ago today, at 5:01 pm, I became a Mommy!  Alexander Wade Williams was the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen.

The day was a long one that actually started about 2:00 the previous afternoon.  I woke up about 3:45 am on October 17th and noticed that my contractions seemed close together.  I decided to wake up Eric and have him time the contractions while I took a shower.  He thought they were too close together and wanted to leave immediately, I told him to wait - I needed to fix my hair and put on my make-up.  Then my water broke and he was insistent that we leave now - I needed to finish getting ready to go.  On the way to the hospital I made him stop at the convenience store so I could get something to eat.  He reminded me that in Lamaze class they said not to do that.  I told him I didn't care and he better pull the car over.  I quickly ate a blueberry muffin and downed a bottle of apple juice (he drove way too fast).  We arrived at the hospital around 5:30 am.  When I walked into the hospital, no one believed I was in labor, that my water broke, and that my contractions were 2 minutes apart.  Once they checked e, they were amazed that I was in labor.  You see... at this point it didn't hurt.

I had an elaborate labor plan that included soothing music and my wonderful massage therapist.  It all worked great until noon.  That's when I abandoned this foolish "natural childbirth plan" and asked for the epidural.  It's a good thing I did, since Alex waited another 5 hours to make his grand entrance into the world.  Alex had a little trouble and needed some extra care.  I didn't get to hold him for another 30 minutes or so.

Alex had colic with a vengeance.  Other than that, he was a laid-back, happy baby.  He loved everything and everyone.  He was so cute!

I could not ask for a better son.  He's super smart and looks the part.

He's a musician.

I can't believe it's been 14 years.  I love this kid more than the world.

Happy Birthday Alexander Wade Williams!!

What do you want people to know about you?

I was asked today, what it is that I want people to know about me?  Behind my "defensive" nature and after I peel back the "normal" layers.....  Everyone is okay with people knowing the normal/obvious things, such as:

I'm a Christian
I'm a Mom
I love my children more than anything
I'm smart, or at least I like to think so
I can learn just about anything someone is willing to teach me
I'm a survivor and I can survive you
I'm a friend
I'm loyal
I'm a serious person
I'm a planner, rarely spontaneous
I think making your bed daily is overrated
I'm independent
I'm not a hugger
I have horrible insomnia
I get bronchitis yearly

..... but, are we okay with people knowing our more intimate side, the vulnerable side.  I'm not so sure.  Are we okay with people knowing that we no longer trust people?  Are we okay with people knowing our failures?  Our epic failures?  That we doubt our decisions based on those failures?

How can I know what the deeper things are that I want people to know about me when I'm not even sure I know myself.  Somewhere along the way, I got so caught up in being who I have to be that I lost track of who I am.  I know this is not something that is unique about me.  Lots of people feel this way.

So, I'm going to try to figure it out........

Music

Music is a very powerful thing.  It elicits emotions that spoken words could not.  I hear bits and pieces of songs and think, "that's me." There are songs can make me "car dance" (that's me dancing while I'm driving, I'm sure I give others a laugh).  There are songs that make me cry.  There are songs that make me think, which can be a good or bad thing.  There are songs that make me happy.  There are songs I just don't understand.

Here are some lines from one that makes me sad, mad, and makes me think a lot.  These are words from "My Immortal" by Evanescence.  Those who know me well will understand why these phrases speak to me.  Those who know the song and know my story will understand why the music is so powerful with these word.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears

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Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
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These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Cold hearts

I'm a little taken back by some of the comments I've seen or heard today.  Why are some people "annoyed" or "over it" regarding remembering the worst terroristic event in our nation's history 10 years ago?

I wonder if those people would still be "annoyed" or "over it" if they had lost a loved one in the attacks?

I wonder if those people teach their children to be patriotic and love this country?

I wonder if those people realize how many lives were affected that day?

I wonder if those people have any warm spots left in their hearts?

You didn't necessarily have to know someone who was taken that day for that awful day to have affected you.

We had a very beautiful service at church this morning to remember this very significant day in history.  We honored law enforcement, firefighters, and military service people.  We prayed for these people who put themselves in harms way daily.  We prayed that we would be people who "run up the stairs," when everyone else is "running down the stairs."

I am NOT perfect

I am not perfect.  I have many imperfections.  I am well aware of this.  I do not want to be perfect.

I do give my best, most of the time.  I help where I needed, most of the time.

There is never any need to make up lies about what I'm doing or not doing.

Obviously I had a very bad day today.  The only reason I'm putting this out here is that I only have 1 co-worker that will ever see this.

We have 2 people at work, normally I would call them ladies but today their behavior was not lady-like at all, who I will call the "tattletales".  Now I thought the only tattletale I had to deal with these days was my daughter, who is the appropriate age for such behavior.  I had no idea I would be dealing with women in their 50s.

I guess is what makes me above the tattle-telling......  I have a life outside of the office that is far more interesting than what goes on in the office.  I'm too busy with my own stuff to keep track of everyone else.  It's that simple!

If you want to say that I'm slow at a task, that might be true by your standards, but I'm doing it to the best of my ability.  The problem I see is when you think everyone else is slow at the same task.  Is the problem everyone in the office or is the problem your expectations?

If you want to say that I'm occasionally on the internet at work, this is true, but do you know specifically why I'm on the internet.  I have been told to try to see if a party to the lawsuit we just got in has a Facebook page and if they were silly enough to make it public.  I've actually gleaned a lot of good information for the firm this way.  So maybe you should just mind your own business.

If you want to say that I'm sarcastic, that true and I don't have much more to say about that, except to remember that I say sarcastic things and not to take those statements at face value.  When I'm swamped and I say, "Let's see how much I can not get done today," that is code for I bet I can get any one task completely finished and maybe just parts of many.

Do not say that I refuse to do my work.  If I refuse to do my work, then who does it?  That's just hurtful when you get me called into a meeting about this nonsense.

Do not say that I refuse to help others.  When was the last time you asked me to do something?  It was probably today and I did what you asked.  That's just hurtful when you get me called into a meeting about this nonsense that last over an hour.  I had better things to with my time, like do my work.

So.... if I was slower than normal this afternoon, it was because I had a horrific headache from having to defend myself against all your lies.

Sorry - had to vent since I was told that self disclosure is an anger buster.  Maybe I won't be so angry about this now.  Thanks for listening.

Look BEFORE you leap

Look before you leap.  Not that seeing what's over the edge would change your mind about leaping.  It's just better to have all the information about what you are leaping into.  It might be a small leap where you can easily land on your feet.  It might be a long way down into deep water so you might want to dive.  Looking will let you know how to land and what preparations or equipment might be useful in the leap.



This fall I signed up for a class at TCC that is required for my transferring to Texas Woman's University.  The class is called Math of Business Analysis.  I'm not sure what made me think this would be like an Algebra application class (I guess since I did so many problems in the Spring and Summer semesters in Algebra that were business application problems).  If I had bothered to read the course description, I would have immediately known that "Math of Business Application" was a clever name for "Introduction to Differential and Integral Calculus."


It's not that I doubt my ability to take Calculus and make a good grade.  It's that Calculus scares me more than the other math classes.  You see, I "kind-of" took Calculus in high school, but I did take Algebra, Geometry, and Trig and remember some of that stuff.


My favorite teacher of all times taught my Geometry and Trig class.  She was supposed to teach Calculus, but took an administrator job.  I told her how unfair that was and how she should have just waited another year before she embarked on the journey to Vice Principal.  Anyway, this other math teacher, a very nice and kind man, was given the task to teach Calculus.  It was apparent that it had been a while since he taught or even worked a calculus problem.  He would read to us from the book, "try" to work example problems and it just never worked out for him.  Somehow I think the whole class managed to get As.


I guess if I had learned Calculus the first time, I might not be so apprehensive.  If I had read the course description, I could have been preparing myself for Calculus.  I should have looked before I leaped.