What do you want people to know about you?

I was asked today, what it is that I want people to know about me?  Behind my "defensive" nature and after I peel back the "normal" layers.....  Everyone is okay with people knowing the normal/obvious things, such as:

I'm a Christian
I'm a Mom
I love my children more than anything
I'm smart, or at least I like to think so
I can learn just about anything someone is willing to teach me
I'm a survivor and I can survive you
I'm a friend
I'm loyal
I'm a serious person
I'm a planner, rarely spontaneous
I think making your bed daily is overrated
I'm independent
I'm not a hugger
I have horrible insomnia
I get bronchitis yearly

..... but, are we okay with people knowing our more intimate side, the vulnerable side.  I'm not so sure.  Are we okay with people knowing that we no longer trust people?  Are we okay with people knowing our failures?  Our epic failures?  That we doubt our decisions based on those failures?

How can I know what the deeper things are that I want people to know about me when I'm not even sure I know myself.  Somewhere along the way, I got so caught up in being who I have to be that I lost track of who I am.  I know this is not something that is unique about me.  Lots of people feel this way.

So, I'm going to try to figure it out........

Music

Music is a very powerful thing.  It elicits emotions that spoken words could not.  I hear bits and pieces of songs and think, "that's me." There are songs can make me "car dance" (that's me dancing while I'm driving, I'm sure I give others a laugh).  There are songs that make me cry.  There are songs that make me think, which can be a good or bad thing.  There are songs that make me happy.  There are songs I just don't understand.

Here are some lines from one that makes me sad, mad, and makes me think a lot.  These are words from "My Immortal" by Evanescence.  Those who know me well will understand why these phrases speak to me.  Those who know the song and know my story will understand why the music is so powerful with these word.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears

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Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
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These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Cold hearts

I'm a little taken back by some of the comments I've seen or heard today.  Why are some people "annoyed" or "over it" regarding remembering the worst terroristic event in our nation's history 10 years ago?

I wonder if those people would still be "annoyed" or "over it" if they had lost a loved one in the attacks?

I wonder if those people teach their children to be patriotic and love this country?

I wonder if those people realize how many lives were affected that day?

I wonder if those people have any warm spots left in their hearts?

You didn't necessarily have to know someone who was taken that day for that awful day to have affected you.

We had a very beautiful service at church this morning to remember this very significant day in history.  We honored law enforcement, firefighters, and military service people.  We prayed for these people who put themselves in harms way daily.  We prayed that we would be people who "run up the stairs," when everyone else is "running down the stairs."

I am NOT perfect

I am not perfect.  I have many imperfections.  I am well aware of this.  I do not want to be perfect.

I do give my best, most of the time.  I help where I needed, most of the time.

There is never any need to make up lies about what I'm doing or not doing.

Obviously I had a very bad day today.  The only reason I'm putting this out here is that I only have 1 co-worker that will ever see this.

We have 2 people at work, normally I would call them ladies but today their behavior was not lady-like at all, who I will call the "tattletales".  Now I thought the only tattletale I had to deal with these days was my daughter, who is the appropriate age for such behavior.  I had no idea I would be dealing with women in their 50s.

I guess is what makes me above the tattle-telling......  I have a life outside of the office that is far more interesting than what goes on in the office.  I'm too busy with my own stuff to keep track of everyone else.  It's that simple!

If you want to say that I'm slow at a task, that might be true by your standards, but I'm doing it to the best of my ability.  The problem I see is when you think everyone else is slow at the same task.  Is the problem everyone in the office or is the problem your expectations?

If you want to say that I'm occasionally on the internet at work, this is true, but do you know specifically why I'm on the internet.  I have been told to try to see if a party to the lawsuit we just got in has a Facebook page and if they were silly enough to make it public.  I've actually gleaned a lot of good information for the firm this way.  So maybe you should just mind your own business.

If you want to say that I'm sarcastic, that true and I don't have much more to say about that, except to remember that I say sarcastic things and not to take those statements at face value.  When I'm swamped and I say, "Let's see how much I can not get done today," that is code for I bet I can get any one task completely finished and maybe just parts of many.

Do not say that I refuse to do my work.  If I refuse to do my work, then who does it?  That's just hurtful when you get me called into a meeting about this nonsense.

Do not say that I refuse to help others.  When was the last time you asked me to do something?  It was probably today and I did what you asked.  That's just hurtful when you get me called into a meeting about this nonsense that last over an hour.  I had better things to with my time, like do my work.

So.... if I was slower than normal this afternoon, it was because I had a horrific headache from having to defend myself against all your lies.

Sorry - had to vent since I was told that self disclosure is an anger buster.  Maybe I won't be so angry about this now.  Thanks for listening.