There is no way I'm the big 4-0 today....

40..... for years that seemed like such a big number, not so much anymore.  I don't think turning 40 bothers me as much as the thought, "this is not where I thought I would be at 40."  Not to say that where I am is not good.  I'm blessed with 2 beautiful children, I have a family that loves me, I have great friends, I have a great group at church, and I am blessed with a job when so many are without.

So here is to my 40s..... It will be a decade of firsts:  my first child will start high school, start driving,  and graduate; my second child will start elementary school; and I will graduate from college - since I'm on the 25 year plan.

It's not a diet....

Diet is a nasty 4-letter word.  To mean it means being hungry and a diet is temporary.

The past 5 or so years have been full of stress and for the first time in my life I have a weight problem.  I turned to foods to help me cope with the stress and help me feel better.  That's a destructive behavior.

I have started a healthy eating plan to rid myself of unwanted pounds.  Notice I didn't say to "lose" weight. If you lose something, it implies that you want to find it again.

So far it is going well.  I easily adjusted to my new life changing, healthy meal plan.  I've adjusted so well that now when I eat the "bad" foods, it actually makes me feel ill.

In 2 months, I have rid myself of 25 pounds!!  Woohoo!!!!!

So I asked my new doctor what he recommended and I have followed his advice.  Half of your plate should be veggies (good colorful veggies, potatoes are not a good veggie).  I either steam or roast my veggies.  I have carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus, zucchini, squash, green beans, sugar snap peas, and the occasional sweet potato.  Of the remaining half of your plate, 3/4 should be a lean protein.  I have chicken, fish, or pork tenderloin.  With that 1/8 that is left of your plate, if you must have a carb it can go there.

I have cut out basically anything "processed" and the "bad carbs".  I do allow myself either one Dr. Pepper or glass of sweet tea with my dinner.  I do not reward myself for getting rid of pounds with a dessert.  Why would I reward myself with the very things that caused me to gain all this weight?

FLASH BACK.... to high school

I had recorded Oprah's interview with Steven Tyler.  Alex asked who she was interviewing and I told him that was the lead singer of Aerosmith and asked him if he knew Aerosmith.  He knew a song or two.  Of course that led me to You Tube to play him a few more Aerosmith songs that I was sure he had heard.

Then.... it led to me searching "Best songs of the 80s" and what fun it was to hear those songs.  Bands like:  The Police, Van Halen, Duran Duran, Foreigner, Journey, Aerosmith, Huey Lewis & the News, Bon Jovi, The Bangles, U2, Whitesnake, Def Leppard, INXS, and Poison.  Most of the guys in those metal/hair bands had much better 80s hair than I could ever have.... LOL :)

This made me reflect on my "youth".  I was in middle school in the mid-80s and high school in the late-80s.  I do not have any fond memories of middle school, but I remember high school getting easier with each passing year.  My son starts high school next year and I hope the same holds true for him.

So I'll let you down my memory lane:

First day of high school and no - I was not anorexic, just very skinny

One of the few freshman at the Junior/Senior prom.... didn't I think I was special!

Sophomore year, Snowball Dance

Junior year - Snowball Dance - not everyone can rock the 80s side ponytail

Junior year - FTA (future teachers of america - whatever) dance at state convention - I believe the saying was "the bigger the hair the closer to God you are"

Junior year - induction to National Honor Society

Senior pictures - summer before senior year - all I needed was a good eyebrow plucking!

Senior year - Snowball Dance - yes, I decided to rock the side ponytail 2 years in a row.

Senior year - Prom - I didn't have a date and took a friend-of-a-friend.  It caused great controversy since he had graduated from another school and had facial hair.  You would have thought I was asking to bring an "axe murderer" to prom.  I had to have special permission.

Graduation - I was the only one in a backless dress that was above the knee.  Love my hair in this picture.

Walking into the football stadium to graduate.... yes, we graduated outside on the football field - classy!

My choice??

At least several times over the past 2 or so years, when I've said things such as, "Being a single mom is hard," someone has replied, "You CHOSE this."  Seriously??  This is not the life I had planned out in my head when I was 18 years old.  But this is my life.  I will continue to make the best of it.  Never in a million years would I have guessed this is where I would be.

While it is true that I chose to end a marriage, those people do not know the circumstances that led to that decision.  That decision (both times I made it) took months, if not longer, to make.  Weighing the possible outcomes of staying and leaving.  It was not a decision I ever took lightly.

Did I want my children to grow up living the way we were?  Did I want my children to learn that the way we were living was "normal"?  Did I want my children to seek out similar relationships when they choose a spouse?  I know that the answers to each of those questions is a definite "NO".

So I made the best decision for my children and myself at that time.  If you think you have the right to judge me, there is nothing I can do to stop you.  I sure hope no one comes along to inspect your life.  You might not like what they have to say.

Lots of people know some of what I've been through.  A few people know more.  I doubt anyone, except me, knows all of it.

I can't even say that I would change the worst parts of it, because that would also change some of the best parts.  It would change everything about the person I am today.

So, I teach my children that you can be strong no matter the circumstances.  I teach them that life is what you make it.  I show them that I can take care of them, work, and go to school.  I teach them that without GOD none of this is possible and without GOD I'd be hopelessly stuck where I was, without a way out.  I'm not saying that GOD is in favor of divorce, but I don't think he would condone me leaving my children in the situation either.

So I guess in the simplest of terms I did choose to be a single mom, but it was never my plan.

Becoming the Mom of a GIRL!!!

4 years ago today, I became the mom of a girl!  It's different than being the mom of a boy.  Victoria Lynn was born on December 19, 2007, at 2:25 p.m.

You see, Tori was a very photographed child before she was born.  I started with a great doctor at the infertility center and had many sonograms there.  Then at my regular OB, I was labeled ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE, which basically guarantees you a few more sonograms.  Also, due to the fact that I have scoliosis and that the sonographer at my doctor's office was out when I needed the "measure the baby's neck" sonogram..... I received lot of appointments with the perinatologist.  I actually had a 80% certainty from the perinatologist at 14 weeks that Tori was a girl.  Not many people get that :)

Here is 6 weeks.  Can you see her head and arm buds?

Here is 9 weeks.  Amazing!!

Here is 28 weeks and she is being shy.... that's the last time that happened.

She was due 1/1/08, but I begged the doctor to induce me 2 weeks early.  There were so many reasons.  He finally agreed since I was ready and it took very little to kick me into full blown labor.  This labor was so simple and about 6 hours from when I walked into the hospital, I was holding my beautiful daughter.

I am so blessed.  She has brought so much joy to my life.

She is my princess and a gift from GOD!!

Here she is on her first birthday.

And then her second,

Last year for her third,

Can you see her sassy personality?

We had her birthday party a few weeks ago, it's hard to have a birthday this close to Christmas, so we celebrate a little early.

Happy Birthday Tori!!  Mommy loves you more than the world.

Giving Thanks

I've read many of my friends daily posting what they are thankful for this month.  I am not disciplined enough to remember to do that daily.  So.... here is my list for 30 days, all at one time, in no particular order.

1.  I am thankful for my salvation.
2.  I am thankful for my parents.
3.  I am thankful for my wonderful son, Alex.
4.  I am thankful for my wonderful daughter, Tori.
5.  I am thankful for my brother, Ryan, and his family.
6.  I am thankful for my brother, Robert, and his family.
7.  I am thankful that I am employed.
8.  I am thankful for the opportunity to go back to school.
9.  I am thankful for a home to live in.
10.  I am thankful for a good, reliable car to drive.
11.  I am thankful for my church.
12.  I am thankful for a diverse Life Group.
13.  I am thankful for a good relationship with Alex's dad.
14.  I am thankful for my friends.
15.  I am thankful for my good health.
16.  I am thankful for healthy children.
17.  I am thankful for our country's military men and women who protect our freedom.
18.  I am thankful for the ability to survive the things life throws at me.
19.  I am thankful for my Grandmother, Pretty is what we call her.  She will be 92 next week.
20.  I am thankful that I was taught morals, ethics, and values as a child.
21.  I am thankful that I am able to meet my kids' needs and some of their wants.
22.  I am thankful that my son can still give me a hug and tell me that he loves me.
23.  I am thankful that my daughter tells me that she loves me many times each day.
24.  I am thankful for the luxuries of life (air conditioning, dish washer, etc).
25.  I am thankful for a pantry and refrigerator full of food.
26.  I am thankful a safe, christian, learning environment for Tori while I am at work.
27.  I am thankful that my children show compassion to others.
28.  I am thankful for "life lessons" (even the hard ones) and what I have taken from those lessons.
29.  I am thankful for migraine headache medicine.
30.  I am thankful for being able to share this with those who will read it.

No..... they were both planned

My two kids are 10 years apart in age.  I'm often asked, "Which one was the surprise" Or people will say, "Oh, you have an oopps."

Actually, both of my children were very much planned and it wasn't easy.

I'm told that I look younger than I actually am.  Some people think that Alex, my 14 year old, was the surprise and that I had him:very young."  Those people are often shocked to find out that I was 25 when I had Alex.  It took a lot of patience and changing doctors to have him.  You see, I lost 3 babies before I had Alex.  The doctor I was seeing at the time was not concerned and told me that was "perfectly normal."  During my third miscarriage his nurse told me that I could not call their office every time I thought I had an ache or pain.  I immediately began my search for a new doctor and found one who thought he could easily fix the problem.  I was to immediately call him as soon as I thought I was pregnant and I would begin supplemental hormones to sustain the beginning of the pregnancy.  It worked very well because I had a healthy baby boy about 11 months after he told me that.  It was not a fun pregnancy.  It was complete with a trip to the ER at 7 weeks for severe dehydration, a car wreck at 28 weeks that sent my into labor with a 24 hour stay in the hospital that successfully stopped labor, a trip to Labor & Delivery at 35 weeks when the dog knocked me flat on my back and Alex stopped moving for hours, being told I would never make it to my due date because of all the contractions I was having, and Mr. Alex made his entrance into this world 3 days AFTER he was due.

Fast forward many years....  I wanted to have a baby.  At the time, I suspected an infertility issue and sought help to resolve that problem.  It wasn't even 4 weeks later that I was pregnant with Tori, my 4 year old.  This pregnancy had it's scares as well.  It involved the same supplemental hormones, a threatened miscarriage at 11 weeks, since I was "advanced maternal age" it involved numerous trips to the perinatologist (but on the plus side I have more sonogram picture of Tori that most people do of all their children combined and we knew at 13 weeks that she was a girl), knowing ahead of time that she had a minor kidney issue which also gave me time to research and consult with pediatricians about what to do (turns out to be so minor that it's almost resolved completely), and having to beg the doctor to induce me 2 weeks early so I could have my mom at the hospital.

So, I simply answer, "No, they were both planned."