My choice??

At least several times over the past 2 or so years, when I've said things such as, "Being a single mom is hard," someone has replied, "You CHOSE this."  Seriously??  This is not the life I had planned out in my head when I was 18 years old.  But this is my life.  I will continue to make the best of it.  Never in a million years would I have guessed this is where I would be.

While it is true that I chose to end a marriage, those people do not know the circumstances that led to that decision.  That decision (both times I made it) took months, if not longer, to make.  Weighing the possible outcomes of staying and leaving.  It was not a decision I ever took lightly.

Did I want my children to grow up living the way we were?  Did I want my children to learn that the way we were living was "normal"?  Did I want my children to seek out similar relationships when they choose a spouse?  I know that the answers to each of those questions is a definite "NO".

So I made the best decision for my children and myself at that time.  If you think you have the right to judge me, there is nothing I can do to stop you.  I sure hope no one comes along to inspect your life.  You might not like what they have to say.

Lots of people know some of what I've been through.  A few people know more.  I doubt anyone, except me, knows all of it.

I can't even say that I would change the worst parts of it, because that would also change some of the best parts.  It would change everything about the person I am today.

So, I teach my children that you can be strong no matter the circumstances.  I teach them that life is what you make it.  I show them that I can take care of them, work, and go to school.  I teach them that without GOD none of this is possible and without GOD I'd be hopelessly stuck where I was, without a way out.  I'm not saying that GOD is in favor of divorce, but I don't think he would condone me leaving my children in the situation either.

So I guess in the simplest of terms I did choose to be a single mom, but it was never my plan.

Becoming the Mom of a GIRL!!!

4 years ago today, I became the mom of a girl!  It's different than being the mom of a boy.  Victoria Lynn was born on December 19, 2007, at 2:25 p.m.

You see, Tori was a very photographed child before she was born.  I started with a great doctor at the infertility center and had many sonograms there.  Then at my regular OB, I was labeled ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE, which basically guarantees you a few more sonograms.  Also, due to the fact that I have scoliosis and that the sonographer at my doctor's office was out when I needed the "measure the baby's neck" sonogram..... I received lot of appointments with the perinatologist.  I actually had a 80% certainty from the perinatologist at 14 weeks that Tori was a girl.  Not many people get that :)

Here is 6 weeks.  Can you see her head and arm buds?

Here is 9 weeks.  Amazing!!

Here is 28 weeks and she is being shy.... that's the last time that happened.

She was due 1/1/08, but I begged the doctor to induce me 2 weeks early.  There were so many reasons.  He finally agreed since I was ready and it took very little to kick me into full blown labor.  This labor was so simple and about 6 hours from when I walked into the hospital, I was holding my beautiful daughter.

I am so blessed.  She has brought so much joy to my life.

She is my princess and a gift from GOD!!

Here she is on her first birthday.

And then her second,

Last year for her third,

Can you see her sassy personality?

We had her birthday party a few weeks ago, it's hard to have a birthday this close to Christmas, so we celebrate a little early.

Happy Birthday Tori!!  Mommy loves you more than the world.

Giving Thanks

I've read many of my friends daily posting what they are thankful for this month.  I am not disciplined enough to remember to do that daily.  So.... here is my list for 30 days, all at one time, in no particular order.

1.  I am thankful for my salvation.
2.  I am thankful for my parents.
3.  I am thankful for my wonderful son, Alex.
4.  I am thankful for my wonderful daughter, Tori.
5.  I am thankful for my brother, Ryan, and his family.
6.  I am thankful for my brother, Robert, and his family.
7.  I am thankful that I am employed.
8.  I am thankful for the opportunity to go back to school.
9.  I am thankful for a home to live in.
10.  I am thankful for a good, reliable car to drive.
11.  I am thankful for my church.
12.  I am thankful for a diverse Life Group.
13.  I am thankful for a good relationship with Alex's dad.
14.  I am thankful for my friends.
15.  I am thankful for my good health.
16.  I am thankful for healthy children.
17.  I am thankful for our country's military men and women who protect our freedom.
18.  I am thankful for the ability to survive the things life throws at me.
19.  I am thankful for my Grandmother, Pretty is what we call her.  She will be 92 next week.
20.  I am thankful that I was taught morals, ethics, and values as a child.
21.  I am thankful that I am able to meet my kids' needs and some of their wants.
22.  I am thankful that my son can still give me a hug and tell me that he loves me.
23.  I am thankful that my daughter tells me that she loves me many times each day.
24.  I am thankful for the luxuries of life (air conditioning, dish washer, etc).
25.  I am thankful for a pantry and refrigerator full of food.
26.  I am thankful a safe, christian, learning environment for Tori while I am at work.
27.  I am thankful that my children show compassion to others.
28.  I am thankful for "life lessons" (even the hard ones) and what I have taken from those lessons.
29.  I am thankful for migraine headache medicine.
30.  I am thankful for being able to share this with those who will read it.

No..... they were both planned

My two kids are 10 years apart in age.  I'm often asked, "Which one was the surprise" Or people will say, "Oh, you have an oopps."

Actually, both of my children were very much planned and it wasn't easy.

I'm told that I look younger than I actually am.  Some people think that Alex, my 14 year old, was the surprise and that I had him:very young."  Those people are often shocked to find out that I was 25 when I had Alex.  It took a lot of patience and changing doctors to have him.  You see, I lost 3 babies before I had Alex.  The doctor I was seeing at the time was not concerned and told me that was "perfectly normal."  During my third miscarriage his nurse told me that I could not call their office every time I thought I had an ache or pain.  I immediately began my search for a new doctor and found one who thought he could easily fix the problem.  I was to immediately call him as soon as I thought I was pregnant and I would begin supplemental hormones to sustain the beginning of the pregnancy.  It worked very well because I had a healthy baby boy about 11 months after he told me that.  It was not a fun pregnancy.  It was complete with a trip to the ER at 7 weeks for severe dehydration, a car wreck at 28 weeks that sent my into labor with a 24 hour stay in the hospital that successfully stopped labor, a trip to Labor & Delivery at 35 weeks when the dog knocked me flat on my back and Alex stopped moving for hours, being told I would never make it to my due date because of all the contractions I was having, and Mr. Alex made his entrance into this world 3 days AFTER he was due.

Fast forward many years....  I wanted to have a baby.  At the time, I suspected an infertility issue and sought help to resolve that problem.  It wasn't even 4 weeks later that I was pregnant with Tori, my 4 year old.  This pregnancy had it's scares as well.  It involved the same supplemental hormones, a threatened miscarriage at 11 weeks, since I was "advanced maternal age" it involved numerous trips to the perinatologist (but on the plus side I have more sonogram picture of Tori that most people do of all their children combined and we knew at 13 weeks that she was a girl), knowing ahead of time that she had a minor kidney issue which also gave me time to research and consult with pediatricians about what to do (turns out to be so minor that it's almost resolved completely), and having to beg the doctor to induce me 2 weeks early so I could have my mom at the hospital.

So, I simply answer, "No, they were both planned."

The day I became a Mommy

14 years ago today, at 5:01 pm, I became a Mommy!  Alexander Wade Williams was the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen.

The day was a long one that actually started about 2:00 the previous afternoon.  I woke up about 3:45 am on October 17th and noticed that my contractions seemed close together.  I decided to wake up Eric and have him time the contractions while I took a shower.  He thought they were too close together and wanted to leave immediately, I told him to wait - I needed to fix my hair and put on my make-up.  Then my water broke and he was insistent that we leave now - I needed to finish getting ready to go.  On the way to the hospital I made him stop at the convenience store so I could get something to eat.  He reminded me that in Lamaze class they said not to do that.  I told him I didn't care and he better pull the car over.  I quickly ate a blueberry muffin and downed a bottle of apple juice (he drove way too fast).  We arrived at the hospital around 5:30 am.  When I walked into the hospital, no one believed I was in labor, that my water broke, and that my contractions were 2 minutes apart.  Once they checked e, they were amazed that I was in labor.  You see... at this point it didn't hurt.

I had an elaborate labor plan that included soothing music and my wonderful massage therapist.  It all worked great until noon.  That's when I abandoned this foolish "natural childbirth plan" and asked for the epidural.  It's a good thing I did, since Alex waited another 5 hours to make his grand entrance into the world.  Alex had a little trouble and needed some extra care.  I didn't get to hold him for another 30 minutes or so.

Alex had colic with a vengeance.  Other than that, he was a laid-back, happy baby.  He loved everything and everyone.  He was so cute!

I could not ask for a better son.  He's super smart and looks the part.

He's a musician.

I can't believe it's been 14 years.  I love this kid more than the world.

Happy Birthday Alexander Wade Williams!!

What do you want people to know about you?

I was asked today, what it is that I want people to know about me?  Behind my "defensive" nature and after I peel back the "normal" layers.....  Everyone is okay with people knowing the normal/obvious things, such as:

I'm a Christian
I'm a Mom
I love my children more than anything
I'm smart, or at least I like to think so
I can learn just about anything someone is willing to teach me
I'm a survivor and I can survive you
I'm a friend
I'm loyal
I'm a serious person
I'm a planner, rarely spontaneous
I think making your bed daily is overrated
I'm independent
I'm not a hugger
I have horrible insomnia
I get bronchitis yearly

..... but, are we okay with people knowing our more intimate side, the vulnerable side.  I'm not so sure.  Are we okay with people knowing that we no longer trust people?  Are we okay with people knowing our failures?  Our epic failures?  That we doubt our decisions based on those failures?

How can I know what the deeper things are that I want people to know about me when I'm not even sure I know myself.  Somewhere along the way, I got so caught up in being who I have to be that I lost track of who I am.  I know this is not something that is unique about me.  Lots of people feel this way.

So, I'm going to try to figure it out........

Music

Music is a very powerful thing.  It elicits emotions that spoken words could not.  I hear bits and pieces of songs and think, "that's me." There are songs can make me "car dance" (that's me dancing while I'm driving, I'm sure I give others a laugh).  There are songs that make me cry.  There are songs that make me think, which can be a good or bad thing.  There are songs that make me happy.  There are songs I just don't understand.

Here are some lines from one that makes me sad, mad, and makes me think a lot.  These are words from "My Immortal" by Evanescence.  Those who know me well will understand why these phrases speak to me.  Those who know the song and know my story will understand why the music is so powerful with these word.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears

------------------------------------------------------
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
--------------------------------------------------------
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Cold hearts

I'm a little taken back by some of the comments I've seen or heard today.  Why are some people "annoyed" or "over it" regarding remembering the worst terroristic event in our nation's history 10 years ago?

I wonder if those people would still be "annoyed" or "over it" if they had lost a loved one in the attacks?

I wonder if those people teach their children to be patriotic and love this country?

I wonder if those people realize how many lives were affected that day?

I wonder if those people have any warm spots left in their hearts?

You didn't necessarily have to know someone who was taken that day for that awful day to have affected you.

We had a very beautiful service at church this morning to remember this very significant day in history.  We honored law enforcement, firefighters, and military service people.  We prayed for these people who put themselves in harms way daily.  We prayed that we would be people who "run up the stairs," when everyone else is "running down the stairs."

I am NOT perfect

I am not perfect.  I have many imperfections.  I am well aware of this.  I do not want to be perfect.

I do give my best, most of the time.  I help where I needed, most of the time.

There is never any need to make up lies about what I'm doing or not doing.

Obviously I had a very bad day today.  The only reason I'm putting this out here is that I only have 1 co-worker that will ever see this.

We have 2 people at work, normally I would call them ladies but today their behavior was not lady-like at all, who I will call the "tattletales".  Now I thought the only tattletale I had to deal with these days was my daughter, who is the appropriate age for such behavior.  I had no idea I would be dealing with women in their 50s.

I guess is what makes me above the tattle-telling......  I have a life outside of the office that is far more interesting than what goes on in the office.  I'm too busy with my own stuff to keep track of everyone else.  It's that simple!

If you want to say that I'm slow at a task, that might be true by your standards, but I'm doing it to the best of my ability.  The problem I see is when you think everyone else is slow at the same task.  Is the problem everyone in the office or is the problem your expectations?

If you want to say that I'm occasionally on the internet at work, this is true, but do you know specifically why I'm on the internet.  I have been told to try to see if a party to the lawsuit we just got in has a Facebook page and if they were silly enough to make it public.  I've actually gleaned a lot of good information for the firm this way.  So maybe you should just mind your own business.

If you want to say that I'm sarcastic, that true and I don't have much more to say about that, except to remember that I say sarcastic things and not to take those statements at face value.  When I'm swamped and I say, "Let's see how much I can not get done today," that is code for I bet I can get any one task completely finished and maybe just parts of many.

Do not say that I refuse to do my work.  If I refuse to do my work, then who does it?  That's just hurtful when you get me called into a meeting about this nonsense.

Do not say that I refuse to help others.  When was the last time you asked me to do something?  It was probably today and I did what you asked.  That's just hurtful when you get me called into a meeting about this nonsense that last over an hour.  I had better things to with my time, like do my work.

So.... if I was slower than normal this afternoon, it was because I had a horrific headache from having to defend myself against all your lies.

Sorry - had to vent since I was told that self disclosure is an anger buster.  Maybe I won't be so angry about this now.  Thanks for listening.

Look BEFORE you leap

Look before you leap.  Not that seeing what's over the edge would change your mind about leaping.  It's just better to have all the information about what you are leaping into.  It might be a small leap where you can easily land on your feet.  It might be a long way down into deep water so you might want to dive.  Looking will let you know how to land and what preparations or equipment might be useful in the leap.



This fall I signed up for a class at TCC that is required for my transferring to Texas Woman's University.  The class is called Math of Business Analysis.  I'm not sure what made me think this would be like an Algebra application class (I guess since I did so many problems in the Spring and Summer semesters in Algebra that were business application problems).  If I had bothered to read the course description, I would have immediately known that "Math of Business Application" was a clever name for "Introduction to Differential and Integral Calculus."


It's not that I doubt my ability to take Calculus and make a good grade.  It's that Calculus scares me more than the other math classes.  You see, I "kind-of" took Calculus in high school, but I did take Algebra, Geometry, and Trig and remember some of that stuff.


My favorite teacher of all times taught my Geometry and Trig class.  She was supposed to teach Calculus, but took an administrator job.  I told her how unfair that was and how she should have just waited another year before she embarked on the journey to Vice Principal.  Anyway, this other math teacher, a very nice and kind man, was given the task to teach Calculus.  It was apparent that it had been a while since he taught or even worked a calculus problem.  He would read to us from the book, "try" to work example problems and it just never worked out for him.  Somehow I think the whole class managed to get As.


I guess if I had learned Calculus the first time, I might not be so apprehensive.  If I had read the course description, I could have been preparing myself for Calculus.  I should have looked before I leaped.

SPIDERS

Merriam-Webster’s on-line dictionary defines PHOBIA as an exaggerated usually inexplicable and illogical fear of a particular object, class of objects, or situation.  What do you call a fear that is logical?  Whatever the word is, that is how my fear of spiders would be classified.

My first spider bite was when I was in my early teens and I was helping clean my younger brothers’ bedroom.  It wasn’t any worse that an ant bite, but I knew it was the spider because I felt it and saw the spider on my leg.  I was bit again in my late teens while working at a daycare.  I was sitting outside under a tree, watching the kids.  I thought a fire ant was bitting me, but is was a spider on my ankle.  Once again, the bite was bad, just red and itched a lot.  I was bit at the zoo when I was in my early 30s.  It was a field trip with Alex’s class and this time I didn’t see it, but I felt it on my shoulder.  This bite was worse and I ended up at the doctor because it looked nasty quick.  A few days of antibiotics and a cortisone cream and it was better in a week.  I know you must be thinking, “that’s not so bad,” but then came the big one.

In June of 2006, I had just moved into an older house that I was remodeling.  A lot of bugs had been stirred up in that house by the remodel.  We found black widows and I was not happy about that, but that’s not what got me.  I was sick with my bi-annual case of bronchitis.  I went to the linen closet to get another pillow in the hopes that sleeping more up-right would make it easier to breath.  The next morning I woke up to a bump on my neck.  It looked like a pimple and I thought that was an odd place, but didn’t think to much about it.  The next day, this bump was big and it hurt a lot.  Then on the third morning, I woke up to a large black dot in the middle of the bump which was even bigger.  Of course this was on a Sunday, so I had to wait another day to go to the doctor.  Fourth morning it looks awful and I’m in a lot of pain, so I head to the doctor.  He looks at it, leaves the room, come back with a book and another doctor.  They flip pages, point, poke my awful bump and it hurts.  They then deliver the bad news - BROWN RECLUSE.  Now I’ve heard about these spiders.  Not good!  I remember my dad was bit once and it was not good.  The bite hurt and made me sick.  It opened up to a little larger than a quarter.  Since it was on my neck, in the bend of it, it made it hard to cover.  I didn’t go many places.  It took weeks of strong antibiotics, which made me sick, and pain killers, which made me sick.  The doctor called a surgeon to debris it, but the surgeon’s office never called back despite my numerous calls to the begging for some help.  I was desperate and did “surgery” on myself and after about 8 weeks it was healed.

Terminix was called out to the house and at first they didn’t believe we had brown recluse spiders since we had just moved in and our house was not cluttered.  They set rat glue traps all over the house and said they’d be back in a week to “evaluate” the problem.  SHOCK was the only thing the technician could muster when he began to count all the brown recluse spiders caught in the trap.  He counted over 50 brown recluse spiders in the traps and said that was probably about 10% of the spiders we had in the house.  He showed me how to tell which ones were brown recluse.  I was given a large box of glue traps and now I was in charge of changing them out every other day, saving the other and documenting the number and day those were collected.  I hated this.  The most we collected in a week was 75, the most in a 2 day period was 20.  They even had the Terminix entomologist flown in from wherever she lives.  She was shocked and then talked about how hard spiders are to kill with chemicals.  GREAT!!  We had weekly “dusting” of the house, inside and out the entire time I lived there.  The day I left the house, 2 1/2 years later, I still had a brown recluse problem.

I have noticed an increase of spiders in my house the past few weeks.  I’m not a little creeped-out.... I’m a lot creeped-out.  I’m hoping that the increase in spiders is due to heat and lack of water outside and will resolve soon.

My legitimate fear kicked into over drive this morning when I was in Tori’s room cleaning up her toys and found a brown recluse, very much alive and crawling away.  I can honestly tell you that the panic attack was real and I’m not sure when I can go in her room and finish the job.

Teaching a 3 year old independence???

One thing you don't do is mess with my children and do them wrong.  I turn into momma-bear protecting her cubs.  I'm learning to be better about it, but this instinctive nature will never change.

Miss Tori, at 3 years old, has moved on up to the Pre-K class at her pre-school.  They have these little blue cots that they use at nap time.  These cots are a plastic mesh and they do not look pleasant to sleep on (hot and makes kids sweat).  To eliminate this problem, I have sent a crib sheet with her everyday for the past 3 years and it fits on the cot nicely.


Tori told me on Monday that she didn't get to have her sheet.  I mistakenly "assumed" that she did not get her sheet because the teachers did not know about it - nope, they knew.  

So I was going to ask the teacher about it when I dropped her off on Tuesday, but she was holding a classmate who was new to the pre-school world and was screaming at the top of his lungs for his mommy.  I elected not to try to speak to her, because I didn't figure she could hear me anyway.  I mentioned to the assistant director that I would appreciate it if she would make sure they know that Tori has a sheet.  It didn't get conveyed to the teacher the way I meant it.  

So on Wednesday morning when I dropped Tori off, she catches me and say, "I hear you have an issue with Tori not being given her sheet."  Then she proceeds to tell me the "if she can't do it herself you need to find something else for her to use."  This makes me a little mad and I decide it's best not to reply and think on this for a while.

In the other classroom she has been in, the teacher has put her sheet on her cot while she is eating lunch.  This new classroom insist that the kids do it themselves, to teach them independence.  Here is my issue with this.... she was given her sheet on Monday, the first day in the new class, and told if she couldn't do it by herself then she couldn't have it.  How is that TEACHING independence?  Seems more like a sink-or-swim philosophy to me.  If you have never attempted a task, how can you be expected to do it independently?  I can't even get Alex, who is 13, to put his sheets on his bed without a major battle and he's been shown numerous times.



This morning I explained to the teacher that a child cannot be independent in a task unless they are taught to do the task.  I took 10 minutes out of my morning to teach Tori how to put the sheet on her cot.  By the third try, she had it down - mostly.  The teacher said she didn't realize that it was so important to me for Tori to have her sheet.  I told her that it was and that she might need help, but that she should catch on quickly how to do it herself.  She apologized and said she is still learning what each child can and cannot do.


Now, other thoughts raced through my head.  The first being - I researched daycares, childcare centers, learning centers, and pre-schools to find the one that TAUGHT children and didn't just let them play in chaos all day long.  This was a decision I did not make lightly.  I liked that this pre-school used a well known curriculum.  I've been happy with the fact that she knows her letters, numbers, colors, days of the week, months of the year, planets in the solar system, can recite the Pledge, etc.  Therefore, I expect some teaching to go on here in all aspects.  The second being - I pay you people a lot of money, so I think you can help her learn to be the "independent sheet putting on child" that you want her to be.


Hopefully Tori will get to have her sheet on her cot today at nap time.

As if I didn't already have enough to do....

So I decided I needed something else to do..... not exactly sure why.  I guess I think I might have something to say on occasion that would be "thought provoking" or something like that.

Oh, don't get me wrong... single mom, 2 beautiful children, a full-time job, part-time college student, real estate agent when people want to buy a house, it's enough to fill 24 hours.  I'm not sure how often I'll post, maybe just when something crazy happens, when I need to vent, when I don't understand....  WOW, that could be daily.